Columnist Geoff Carter: 'Star Wars' sound could only come from Williams

Illogical as it may seem, part of me still believes that the "Star Wars" films are built up from John Williams' thunderous, inspiring scores, not the other way around. Critics give his music short shrift -- one called it "heavy-handed and obtrusive" can you believe it? -- but no one has ever considered what would have happened to the most beloved film serial in history if Steven Spielberg hadn't introduced George Lucas to the incomparable Williams. Just imagine:

"Star Wars: A New Hope" scored by:

* John Barry ("The Knack and How to Get It," most James Bond movies) -- Ben Kenobi's theme replaced by sassy stringbeat, complete with siren vocals and dirty tenor sax. Luke Skywalker played by Michael Crawford. Instead of Darth Vader, some bald guy with a big white cat. Movie starts a tradition of sexy "Jedi Girls" with incomprehensible Swedish accents.

* Georges Delerue (the films of Francois Truffaut) -- The film becomes less about the fight for good -- because good and bad are abstracts -- and focuses instead on the blooming love triangle between Princess Leia Organa, Han Solo and Chewbacca. Gerard Depardieu plays Darth Vader as an oversexed, but nevertheless lethal despot. Main theme now a lyrical waltz.

* Ennio Morricone ("The Good, The Bad and the Ugly," "A Fistful of Dollars") -- Entire film shot in Italy, because when you get right down to it, Italy looks exactly like outer space. Explosion of Death Star accompanied by reverb-heavy guitar riffing. Clint Eastwood plays the entire good side of the force; Eli Wallach plays the whole Empire.

"The Empire Strikes Back" scored by:

* Henry Mancini ("The Pink Panther," "Breakfast at Tiffany's") -- Hoth now a swingin' ski resort. Peter Sellers as Vader; he keeps tripping over his cape and accidentally lopping off heads with his saber. Carrie Fisher wears pillbox hats and smokes a lot. Funny turn by Herbert Lom as the Emperor. At the end the Rebels and the Empire square off in a pie fight.

* John Carpenter ("Halloween," "Escape From New York") -- Naturally, Carpenter would be the logical choice to direct the film that goes with his jittery, synthesized score. In it, Carrie Fisher runs around topless for no less than 35 minutes of screen time, Darth Vader trades his light saber for a plasma chain saw and Yoda's just this weird thing that lives under the stairs.

"Return of the Jedi" scored by:

* Philip Glass ("Koyaanisqatsi," "Mishima") -- The "Imperial March" is an ascending piano and vocal riff that loops for the length of the film. Every character wears an Ewok suit with no headpiece; they are shown eating lunch. Every five minutes, the picture slows by 15 percent until the last frame, which is a still shot of C-3PO exploding. No dialogue.

* Angelo Badalamenti ("Blue Velvet," "City of Lost Children") -- Emperor Palapatine morphs into an obese, ether-snorting freakazoid. Luke Skywalker is played by Kyle MacLachlan; Leia by Isabella Rossellini. First "Star Wars" film to get a hard R rating for nudity. Suggestive bass riff plays whenever Jabba the Hutt appears; later in film, he bites an Ewok's head off to bleating heavy metal chords. Cheeky cameo by Sting.

"The Phantom Menace" scored by:

*James Horner ("Titanic," "Braveheart") -- Story doesn't change much, aside from every character turning, inexplicably, destitute and Irish. Planet Naboo begins to sink halfway through picture; cooing Gaelic choruses follow it down.

* Danny Elfman ("Batman," "Beetlejuice") -- Johnny Depp plays young Obi-Wan Kenobi in a hairshirt. Darth Maul has light sabers for hands. Every scene takes place in the middle of the night, with heavy fog.

* Isaac Hayes ("Shaft," various "love ballads" on "South Park") -- Darth Maul is a complicated man, and no one understands him but his special lady. Natalie Portman in a G-string, bearing an Uzi. Samuel J. Jackson as the head of the Jedi Council ... hey, wait a minute.

Stereo Dynamics

Me First and the Gimme Gimmes, "Are a Drag," Fat Wreck Chords: Assembled, Frankenstein-like, from the cream of the new skate-punk crop -- members of NOFX, Lagwagon and No Use for a Name call it a home away from home -- Me First and the Gimme Gimmes are to cover versions what bricks are to sheet glass. Destructive, yes -- but oh-so-satisfying.

On its previous full-length release, "Have a Ball," the band transformed such over-familiar '70s pop hits as "Sweet Caroline," "Nobody Does it Better" and "Rocket Man" into short, infectious punk stomps; this time, theatrical and film musicals get the treatment. It's hard not to love "Are A Drag's" rapid-fire readings of "Don't Cry For Me Argentina," "Summertime" and "Over The Rainbow." "Tomorrow" transcends its status as the Most Annoying Song Ever Written for the Theater to become something almost cool, and the way "Favorite Things" quotes Bad Religion is absolutely marvelous.

"Are A Drag" is as good a lampoon of its subject matter as Schlong's punk version of "West Side Story" -- a blessing and a curse, really, considering how much of the latter's charm wears off on repeat plays. But for a brief, shining moment, you'll feel as if you're under the limelight -- face thick with greasepaint, sporting a big, cheesy Mohawk wig.

Get Up, Act Out

Would-be major label slaves, your time has come again. The Emerging Artists and Talent in Music conference -- otherwise known as EAT'M -- returns to Las Vegas. Last year's moderately successful event put the touring, producing and artistic elements of the music industry in close quarters; a few strategic alliances were formed, Sir George Martin spoke, quite a few good bands played and every major label representative within a 500-mile radius showed up for comped drinks. This year, Keanu Reeves' vanity band, Dogstar, plays, industry legend Ahmet Ertegun delivers a keynote address, small labels cower in the shadow of ever-growing Universal Music and industry fat cats cower from the spread of the MP3 music format. You don't have to be involved with the industry to expect fireworks and hear some great live music. EAT'M begins Wednesday; check ou t eat-m.com for band listings.

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