Dial File -- Steve Bornfeld: Fall pilots rev up on the runway

Gloom and Doom. Death and Destruction. Armageddon and Annihilation.

Put another way: The '99-'00 TV season.

"I have never seen a worse development season in my life," one studio executive told the trade magazine Electronic Media. "Every year it seems to get worse. There's such a desperation in the air." Added UPN Entertainment President Tom Nunan: "I anticipate an even higher rate of cynicism this year than last."

IS EVERYBODY H-A-P-P-Y?

But this relentlessly upbeat column accentuates the positive and eliminates the negative -- snickering will cease, thank you very much -- never messing with Mr. In-Between. So with networks revealing fall schedules next week (see story below), here's what one critic -- if anointed Grand Exalted Programming Pooh-bah by some visionary network nabob -- would pick out of this season's pilot pool:

"God, the Devil and Bob," NBC: Animated sitcom featuring the voices of James Garner, Robert Downey Jr. and French Stewart. Garner is a TV treasure -- even if this offers only his rich, resonant pipes.

Still-untitled Joan Cusack sitcom, ABC: Kevin Kline's former fatty almost-bride in "In & Out" -- who memorably uttered "(Expletive) Barbra Streisand AND you!" -- and the hilarious psycho-vamp of "Addams Family Values" could well be Lucy incarnate.

"Allies," CBS: World War II drama about a young Frenchwoman who takes in a downed American bomber. Haven't seen a decent Double-Ya Double-Ya Deuce drama since "Combat" and "The Rat Patrol."

"Falcone," CBS: Drama based on the mob flick "Donnie Brasco." Two pedigree pluses -- great source material and co-producer Barry "Homicide" Levinson -- are in "Falcone's" favor.

"Grown Ups," UPN: Sitcom starring Jaleel White as a confused guy in his early 20s. The actor who brought gloriously geeky Steve Urkel to life on "Family Matters" is a comic gem. He deserves to sparkle again.

"Mulholland Drive," ABC: Drama about good and evil women in Los Angeles. From David Lynch -- who brought us cherry pie, the log lady, dancing dwarves, Killer BOB and slutty Laura Palmer. 'Nuff said.

"Thanks," CBS: Cloris Leachman headlines this 1600s-set sitcom about pilgrims in the New World. The woman who played Frau Bloocha -- cue the horse whinny -- in "Young Frankenstein" can do no wrong.

" '68," ABC: FBI drama about that turbulent year. A dash of entertainment and a splash of sociology could combine to yield a more cogent look at a fascinating time than did NBC's lame-o miniseries "The '60s."

"Law & Order: SCU," NBC: Spinoff focusing on a New York sex crimes unit. Long live "L&O" in any form, anytime, anywhere.

"Snoops," ABC: Drama about high-tech private eyes -- from writer/producer David E. Kelley. The man who makes "The Practice" makes near-perfect shows.

"The West Wing," NBC: A "dramedy" about young White House workers. Classy credentials aplenty: Martin Sheen in front of the camera, John Wells ("ER") and Aaron Sorkin ("Sports Night") behind it.

"The Strip," UPN: Action drama set on the Vegas Strip. Featuring the three most vital ingredients for a stunningly successful series: Location, location, location.

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