Columnist Sandra Thompson: Divorce often true dilemma for children

DIVORCE is one of the most challenging issues of this society, says Donald Saposnek, Ph.D.

The California clinical child psychologist, who has mediated custody cases for more than 20 years, knows just how challenging it is.

Children's needs, he says, aren't being addressed often enough by Family Courts. Today, more children are feeling alienated or angry.

Saposnek, author of "Mediating Child Custody Disputes: A Guide for Family Therapists, Court Counselors, Attorneys and Judges," recently conducted a one-day training session in Las Vegas. Sponsored by Alternative Solutions Mediation Services, the session focused on the developmental needs of children going through the divorce process.

"In mediation, my role is the child's advocate," he said in a phone interview. "Most Family Court cases don't think about the child."

There are two keys to guiding a child successfully through the divorce process: structure and attachment.

"The first part is getting something in place -- structure, structure, structure. During marriage there are explicit and implicit rules of conduct. When a couple separates, they rely on the rules of marriage. But those were based on trust and good faith. They no longer exist," Saposnek says.

What happens then is that the divorcing couple take up defensive postures and attack each other. Saposnek tries to establish a set of rules for the separation.

The second key is ensuring the child develops a healthy attachment to a parent or parents.

"We have new cases of attachment disorders -- kids who are poorly attached or not attached to a parent. The bonds never formed early in childhood."

Sometimes a baby will be shifted around so much for the first two years that he is not allowed to form an attachment.

Some older children can't handle being passed back and forth between parents. They're simply not adaptable. They may become rigid, and one parent will blame the other for causing such behavior.

Others are flexible and go with the flow.

Judicial orders can't force children to love a parent or be comfortable with them.

Saposnek says teens, for example, are often impossible to change, and forcing a child to go with an alienated parent is often risky.

"Most theorists say that correcting the imbalance (by a judge ordering a child to spend a more significant amount of time with the alienated parent) is stupid. The kids describe it as being held hostage," Saposnek says.

Talking to children is a complex issue. Nationally, jurists disagree on whether courts should listen to children in custody disputes and, if so, at what age.

Saposnek says judges don't know how to talk to children, and 95 percent of therapists are uncomfortable talking with children.

"It's a challenge to interpret what kids are saying in a custody case," he says, adding that they attempt to cope with "crazy loyalties." For example, a child says to Mom that he wants to live with her, but will tell Dad he wants to live with him. The child basically just wants the parents to talk to each other, Saposnek says.

"Kids tell therapists what people in the waiting room want to hear."

Saposnek says he has interviewed more than 5,000 children in divorce cases. Sometimes they will say the opposite of what they feel. They don't want to be disloyal to either parent.

Nearly all the children wished their parents would get back together. No matter whether the parents were divorced last year or 15 years ago, Saposnek says, the emotional impact was the same.

"In 20 years, I've come to the conclusion that all we have are dilemmas -- unsolvable problems."

Enacting laws to deal with these dilemmas isn't always the answer. "We often just make laws to micromanage something that's unmanageable."

Perhaps the true key is getting parents to concentrate on their child's needs before their own, and not using the kids as battering rams or pawns.

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