Pet counselor helps put a time of loss in perspective that lets survivors carry on

Joan Coleman, author and pet counselor.

Pet Memorial Day.

2-4 p.m. Sept. 11.

Sahara West Library, 9600 W. Sahara Ave. Seating is limited.

458-6262 for reservations or counseling.

He was a buddy, a constant companion, an unselfish friend.

She was a protector, a confidant, in some ways like a child.

Yet while it may be socially acceptable to shed a tear during "Old Yeller" or feel the pull of the heart strings when reading "Where the Red Fern Grows," emotional turmoil over the loss of a pet isn't something most people can comfortably express.

Nor is it something everyone can understand.

"Human death is acknowledged," said Joan Coleman, a pet-loss counselor and author of "Forever Friends: Resolving Grief After the Loss of a Beloved Animal." "Animal death is not."

In honor of National Pet Memorial Day -- the second Sunday in September -- Coleman will talk at the West Sahara Library on Saturday to some veterinarians, veterinarian technicians and pet owners coping with the loss of an animal.

The day, set aside to give families a chance to express emotions over the loss of their pet and to remember the good times, was started in 1971 by the International Association of Pet Cemeteries.

The pain that people experience after the loss of a pet is normal, Coleman said. "It's natural. It's healthy. You have to let it out."

Coleman refers in her book to pets as a source of stability, a unique and always present relationship -- one of faith, trust, devotion and love.

Coleman, a pet counselor with a toll-free number, says she receives an average of eight calls a week from people nationwide.

While some think the phone book listing is a joke, others who call are embarrassed about it, she said.

Some are so undone they don't know where to turn.

"I got calls from people who were just hysterical saying 'I'm going to kill myself,' " Coleman said, recalling her experience with the 24-hour hotline she set up in the early 1990s to see how she could help the community.

Although suicide may be an extreme case, Coleman says she can relate to pain over the loss of a pet. She lost her two German Shepherd show dogs within six weeks of each other in 1990. "I've been there. I've held those animals when they've been euthanized. I've been told that the animal has cancer.

"While going through it I realized there was not a whole lot out there in terms of counseling and advice."

Then Coleman came across a Southern California veterinarian college offering advice and counseling that connected her with the Delta Society -- a nonprofit organization studying the interaction of people, animals and nature. Coleman attended its annual conference that year.

She spent another 2 1/2 years researching her book. Originally the information was presented via an audiotape. In March 1993 the book was printed and presented at a trade show in Florida.

Around the same time she had opened an office at Eastern and Twain avenues. She didn't keep the office open long -- her appointments were all at night or on weekends when the rest of the building was empty and animals were not allowed inside.

Until she settles in at the expanding Desert Inn Animal Hospital this fall, Coleman provides referrals over the phone by attempting to locate a counselor in the caller's area or referring them to the Delta Society.

Although she's not a licensed counselor, she has a Clark County business license as a "drugless practitioner."

Her resume includes a bachelor's degree in psychology and a practitioner certificate and master's certificate in neuro-linguistic programming. She is working toward a master's degree in psychology.

Most phone calls she receives are from dog and cat owners. But she has also talked to people about rabbits, ferrets, hamsters and fish.

Not all are calling about losing a pet to death. People can also mourn the loss of a pet because of moving, divorce or military relocation -- any situation where the animal must be left behind, she said.

The animal may have been stolen. It may have run away or been abandoned because the expenses could no longer be paid.

Whatever the reason the loss can be traumatic, Coleman said.

"That animal makes you feel whole. There's nothing wrong with you in that animal's eyes."

Animals are a constant within the family routine, she said. The rest of a family's life can be in turmoil. The animal still has to be fed or cared for.

Animals also help to relieve depression and anxiety. For children, pets are comfortable friends. Animals don't demand anything of them, she said. Nor will an animal break a confidence.

However, children are resilient when it comes to the death of an animal, she said. "It's the adults who have the most problems."

An elderly person may lose a spouse, and the pet is all they have to hold onto. When the pet dies, the spouse may be lost, she said.

Some pet owners say they will never have an animal again, she said. "Don't say never, just leave the door open," she advises them.

Coleman recommends seniors get animals that require less parenting, such as turtles, fish or birds.

"It's still another living, breathing object in the home. It's the life energy. For seniors, it's a reason for getting up in the morning."

Coleman has taken some ridicule over the years, but for some, losing a pet is nothing to be taken lightly, Tony Clayton, owner of Craig Road Pet Cemetery & Funeral Home & Crematory, said.

People without pets may not realize the bond between owners and their pets, Clayton said. Yet some say losing their pet was harder to cope with than losing a parent.

The 4,582 pets buried in Clayton's cemetery proves that some take their relationship with the pet seriously. The arrangements cost $430 to $530.

Sixty humans have been buried at the cemetery or cremated with their pet. There is a list of 75 people who plan to lay eternally next to their beloved pet.

And it's not just dogs and cats. "We have everything buried here from parakeets, spider monkeys, dogs and cats, Siberian tigers, about 50 horses and a 7,000 pound elephant," Clayton said.

Hamsters, lizards and snakes also are buried there.

The cemetery has three crematoriums and a chapel on the grounds for memorial services. "We've had families bring out Catholic priests, rabbis and ministers," Clayton said. "For Metro's K-9 dogs, we've had 60 to 70 people.

"More and more people are wanting to do something in a more dignified manner to say 'thank you for the many years of unconditional love,' " he said.

They don't want to send the pet to a mass crematorium or county landfill, he added.

"Some people will say he was a good dog, but he's just a dog. You take care of it," and let the vet dispose of the animal, he said. "Others say they want something more dignified."

Clayton says he's referred a number of clients to Coleman.

"She's helped many people," he said. "For some people it's difficult to get over the loss of their pet. Young couples without children will say it's like losing a child."

Grief over the loss of a pet is no different than the stages of grief people deal with over human death, he said. And there's no shame about it.

Families will bring the children along to the cemetery. "Losing a pet is a very good way to teach a child about death," Clayton said.

Coleman addresses pet loss and children in her book. "Pets give a child an emotional security that is steady and unwavering," she writes.

The book explains a way to guide a child through stages of grief and how to explain euthanasia.

It also includes stages of grief and symptoms coping with euthanasia, aging, ill pets and pet afterlife.

Seventy-five percent of pets must be euthanized, Coleman said. "The biggest thing with animal death is guilt. But your not killing your animal. It's old age or illness."

Coleman also takes readers through "safe-place exercises" through meditation and talks about how to memorialize the pet through photographs, locks of hair, photos, clay paw prints, paintings, stories or videos.

Coleman has also put on programs at Nathan Adelson Hospice for volunteers who work with terminally ill pet owners.

"A lot of times people will not let go until that animal is taken care of."

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