Group helps parents cope with loss of loved ones

The first time Jerry Vesely went to a local Bereaved Parents meeting after the death of his daughter in 1997, he vowed he would never go back.

But his wife, Patti, had a different first impression.

"She told me that she got a lot out of it and that she wanted to go back," he said. So he joined her.

He discovered that talking about his daughter's death made getting through each day a little bit easier, he said.

Patti adopted the girl, Cody, as a baby in 1985 and raised her until she married Jerry five years ago.

"The bond was Cody. She was the glue that held our relationship together," Jerry said.

Cody's death in February 1997 was devastating. Their daughter was riding in a car with her best friend, another girl and her best friend's mother. The group was on their way to a basketball game on a Saturday afternoon when the car was struck on Russell Road by a drunken driver.

All of the other passengers survived, but Cody was pronounced dead at the scene.

The Veselys were called by the best friend's father after he was notified of the accident. They rushed to the scene of the crash to find that their daughter was dead.

As the shock began to wear off later that evening, one of the first things Jerry and Patti discussed was what they had to do to maintain their relationship.

"The statistics were against us," Jerry said. He had heard that relationships often fail after the loss of a child.

They promised each other that during the coming days, they would work through the turmoil as a team.

They immediately began grief counseling, but after some time their counselor found some information about Bereaved Parents and suggested the couple try a support group meeting.

The counselor explained that he couldn't completely understand their loss, because he had never been through it. He knew the parents needed that level of sympathy, Jerry said.

"We share our griefs, our frustrations, our strategies for getting through," Patti said. The meetings provide an interaction that can't be found in books, she said.

Bereaved Parents helps a small number of residents cope with the grief of losing a child, but the Veselys think that the 6-year-old organization could do more.

Cathy Bender, the local chapter president, agrees that the group could reach out to more people in the area.

"One of our biggest (goals) is trying to raise awareness about Bereaved Parents," Bender said.

Some 20 adults recently gathered at a candlelighting and balloon-release ceremony at a local church, but Patti Vesely thinks that there are far more people out there who could have attended.

"We lose children every day," she said.

The need is so overwhelming, Bender said, because so many people die in this city.

Bender and other group volunteers are working on getting grant money to get the word out that there is support for parents who have lost a child.

In the meantime Bereaved Parents relies on hospitals and other organizations to refer parents to the group.

Bender has attended meetings faithfully since the death of her daughter Mandy in 1995. Mandy died of a heart defect 41 days after her birth in April.

Bender credits the Bereaved Parents with getting her through the early stages of her grief.

"In the beginning I think it was the Bereaved Parents that really helped," Bender said.

"There's this feeling of sympathizing in the group that you can't get anywhere else," Jerry Vesely said.

As Bender has become more involved in the organization, she said she volunteers her time as a way to honor the memory of her daughter. Bender edits the chapter's newsletter and is the group's treasurer.

Bender and the Veselys also think that this time of year is when the support is needed the most. The holiday season is a difficult time of year for grieving parents, they said.

Since Cody's death, Jerry and Patti have left town every year during the holiday season because of the pain here, Jerry said. They've gone on cruises and other trips that got them as far away from Las Vegas as possible, he said.

This year, however, they plan to create new traditions.

Their 4-year-old foster son, Jared -- he has lived with the couple for more than two years -- asked if he could have a Christmas tree in his room.

The Veselys decided that would be all right, because they could share Christmas with Jared in a different and less painful way.

"We bought all new ornaments and lights for his tree," Jerry said. That way they wouldn't have to pull out the old stuff and have the tree in the living room, as they did when Cody was alive. Jerry is cautiously optimistic about the new way of celebrating the holiday.

The couple decided to become foster parents about a year after Cody died. Jared is the fourth foster child they have cared for and the first they have considered adopting. They are now in the final phases of adopting the boy.

"I'm still a mom," Patti said, "and Jerry's still a dad." That was why they decided to adopt Jared -- and why they will continue to foster children in the future, Patti said.

The couple has also become active in Bereaved Parents.

"Maybe that's my purpose," Jerry said. "To help ease the pain of others."

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