Body Banter

See Jane smile. See Dick nod. See Jane toss her hair. See Dick blow a kiss and wink knowingly.

See Jane run.

It's the natural language of the body, which constantly sends messages to the world around us. Some are received well, others not so well. It all depends on who's pitching and who's catching.

As Valentine's Day brings couples together and singles either scramble for dates or retreat to their bunkers, the language of love is somewhat portrayed in the language of the body.

For instance, she may seem satisfied with the single rose and chocolate heart, but her lackluster posture and furrowed brow belie her smile and words of thanks.

No, really, thanks.

This silent language can contradict or complement what we say with mere words, Kate Hausbeck, assistant professor of sociology at UNLV, says.

"Body language is the one key to unlocking the emotions and sentiment behind words," Hausbeck says.

If one picture is worth a thousand words, those words are meaningless without knowing what that person says through posture, actions and facial expressions.

"What someone is saying literally can have very different meanings and the way to understand that is through body language," Hausbeck says. "There is nothing about us that can be separated from our physical bodies. What we say is coming from a body which is always sending messages."

People may not notice that they are constantly sizing up others and change their posture, tone of voice and expression to meet different situations.

"When someone speaks there is a literal part to what they are saying, but then there are a lot of things unsaid going on in a conversation," Hausbeck says. "How can we know what they are meaning without reading the little gestures of their body?"

With the introduction of cell phones, e-mail and other electronic wonders into our ways of communication, we are somewhat handicapped in our daily conversations.

"Now that we live in a technological world, more of our conversation is done sans body language, without added benefit of the subtle clues we need to determine what someone is truly saying." Hausbeck says.

Punctuation marks such as an exclamation point and colon/bracket smiley faces or frowns are used frequently in online exchanges, giving intonation and feeling to typed thoughts.

"E-mail becomes a lot more like reading a book or text," Hausbeck says. "The subtlety of emotions is lost if we don't have body language as a clue."

A lie is easier to believe without the benefit of monitoring a lack of eye contact or shifty movements. But then again, true feelings of love are harder to detect simply through words.

"Someone might be trying to hide amorous feelings (online) but that is a hard thing to hide with body language," Hausbeck says.

The nuances of physical expression are often lost in online love chatter.

"It makes for potential confusion," Hausbeck says.

Reading too much into a person's stance can also lead to a misunderstanding, says Darlene Cross, a licensed marriage and family therapist practicing in Green Valley.

"The arms being crossed has been highly oversold as body language," Cross says. "It can mean that I'm being defensive and blocking myself in, but it can also mean I'm cold."

It's the little things that count.

"Clues that are much more easily identified are smaller ones, they are subtle," Cross says. "It's a smile, its leaning forward. If both lean in, then you are progressing."

Crossed legs can mean defensiveness, but don't trouble-shoot one area when the mind is mixing mood with comfort. Her dress may be short and she's nervous, so she keeps her right leg firmly over her left. But the lift of her chin to show her neck and a wide smile mean you're still in the game.

"One of the other things that happens in communications between people that certainly plays out in the dating realm is that they begin to mimic each other's body language," Cross says. "He is sitting there with his hand on his chin, she reaches up and puts her opposite hand up. They mirror each other."

Single people tend to be "on" when out looking for love.

"It's like a job search, who am I, what do I have to offer. We want to look for a good match, but we have to go through rejections," Cross says. "We think if it doesn't go well, we're never going to work again."

The body is a billboard for your true feelings.

"If it reaches a point where there is touching, she reaches over and touches his arm briefly and kind of laughs, you are doing good," Cross says. "It's the way we match, connect with other people, you don't even do it consciously."'

The subtle flirtation of body language is a slow dance, as two maybes try to figure out if they're a match or a bad mix.

"What's interesting is that it's a building process -- so if I start out with a smile and a laugh and kind of tilt my head in interest, I start mirroring your body language, I reach over and touch your arm -- that's all building in a positive way," Cross says.

But the end result can be anti-climactic.

For instance: Let's say Dick and Jane have just met at a club. She is smiling. He is laughing. They up the ante and lean in close to each other. She reaches over to look at his watch. He leans forward to get closer. Their eyes meet. His jacket falls open slightly, and there in his shirt pocket is a pack of cigarettes. Menthol. Jane hates cigarettes. Jane leans back. Jane shuts off the megawatt smile. Dick is left in the dark.

"(She) could back off and he would have no clue as to what happened," Cross says. "It's over."

Men and women still hold onto traditional roles when dealing with the opposite sex, Cross says.

"People are still trying to use a lot of the old thinking but nothing is the same anymore, it's a whole new world and the days of dating are different," she says. "We still think of men as being the aggressor and women the seducer."

Body language expresses that old-fashioned attitude. A woman's sly glance across the room and a flip of her hair should bring the gentleman running, Cross discovered after talking with people in the singles classes she coaches.

"That's just not it anymore," Cross says. "Women should approach men, they'd be flattered."

But men have yet to break the manly mold.

"They still feel it's their responsibility to approach, but they are afraid of being rejected just as much as women are, and they are in the situation a lot more," Cross says. "The risk of not doing that is not meeting someone."

The singles scene can be a nerve-wracking place. Those traversing it rely mainly on body language to get through the night. But it's a must for most looking for a well-matched mate.

"Get out and don't sit home and watch television," Cross says. "Don't expect the pizza delivery person to be your soul mate. The odds are not in your favor."

Who knows? A few rejections may lead to your soul mate, who finally crosses the room when you flash that come-hither look.

"The good ones are not all taken," Cross says. "If people believe there really is no one out there for them, they settle. They shouldn't, because they are out there looking for you, too."

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