Draper still feels pain after wife's death

LOS ANGELES -- An outsider peeking in on the grandstand court at the Los Angeles Tennis Center Tuesday afternoon might have thought Australian Scott Draper had gone mad.

Or that he was mad the world.

There was Draper, all 5-foot-10 of him, periodically whacking balls at the back wall in frustration, cursing to himself and shaking his head looking as if he was asking himself what he was even doing on the court.

Playing in only his sixth tournament of the year, Draper acted out during his 6-4, 6-7 (6), 7-6 (5) loss to Neville Godwin not because he was ready to give up, but because for the first time since his wife Kellie died last July 19, he wanted to be out on the court again.

"Today, I was just that damn nervous that I couldn't play," Draper said. "If there's anything positive out of that, it's the fact that I want (to win).

"I want it now. And that's a good sign. I mean, I haven't been nervous at a tennis match for quite some time. I have never been that nervous my entire career."

And until Wimbledon of this year, Draper was uncertain whether he would continue his career as a professional tennis player.

Draper was at Kellie's bedside in Australia when she died of cystic fibrosis at the age of 24, and the experience still haunts him.

After her death, he didn't completely put away his rackets, choosing instead to play off and on when he felt the urge.

Looking back, Draper said he probably should have taken some more time off. The seven-year veteran had been ranked in the top 100 the four previous years, but his ranking for 1999 dropped to 150.

"Basically for me, I was Scott and Kel," he said. "It was an identity thing.

"I always thought of myself as me and my wife. Now it's just me. One, it's hard to come to grips with. Two, I guess I associated tennis with being with Kel. Sort of like a business deal, like a partnership.

"I missed my wife. I didn't want to play tennis, I didn't have any motivation to play."

Before this tournament, Draper experienced a rebirth of sorts during Wimbledon when he decided to rededicate himself to playing tennis.

Draper was one of four qualifiers into the Mercedes-Benz Cup and was a quarterfinalist at this tournament in 1996.

"I got to the crossroads where I had to make a decision whether I wanted to play tennis or get a job," Draper said of his soul-searching experience during Wimbledon. "I wasn't going to suffer any more. Just playing halfhearted on the tennis court, that wasn't good enough. For some reason, it just hit me that I wanted to play tennis."

The pain of losing Kellie has caused Draper to feel more like 56 than 26, but he feels he is starting to regain control of his life.

"I've got a future now for the next whatever years in tennis and I want to give it a go," he said.

"Lack of concentration is what it all comes down to," Dent said. "I always want to do well here because it's the biggest tournament close to my home.

"As soon as I grow up and let that go, it should be fine."

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