Columnist Sandra Thompson: When do relationships cross the line?

Sandra Thompson is vice president/associate editor of the Las Vegas Sun. She can be reached at 259-4025 or e-mail at [email protected].

Now that Jane's two daughters are out of school for the summer, she is resting easier.

The past school year was an ordeal that left her questioning her religious faith. It is something no parent or child should have to go through, she says.

For more than two years a coordinator at the private school her older daughter attended took an interest in the shy child. At first, Jane didn't give it a second thought. But her concern grew as the attention increased.

During spring break in fourth grade, the coordinator approached the girl at an After School Program activity, asking her to go fold clothes with him. He took her by the arm, Jane says, and was starting to walk away when the program director approached and asked him what he was doing. After the director said she needed Jane's permission first, the young man left.

The incident bothered Jane. A friend told her the young man was nice and could not have meant any harm. So Jane gave him the benefit of the doubt.

When Jane's daughter started fifth grade, the young man often dropped by her classroom. The teacher told Jane he had never been in the class so often.

There were other incidents where he seemed to be paying an inordinate amount of attention to the girl. She was feeling uncomfortable. Jane called the principal, saying she thought the young man was using poor judgment.

After a time, church officials looked into the matter, in accordance with their policy on sexual harassment and sexual conduct. They found no inappropriate behavior on the man's part, but did set conditions under which he would go on campus or into classes.

That eased Jane's mind for a time, but she says the man later broke those rules and again was around her daughter.

Then there was another incident where he "accidentally bumped" into the girl.

There was a flurry of meetings with school and church officials. A letter was sent to parents saying that the young man was resigning his post, but still would be a part of the church community.

Jane and her husband were branded as troublemakers. "We've been ostracized. Some people won't talk to us. Others are glad somebody stood up."

Jane does not believe the man molested her daughter, but that his behavior was inappropriate. It's important to note that the man was never charged with a crime in connection with any incident. He had many supporters.

How does a parent or child know when an adult, especially one in a teaching, coaching or mentoring position, crosses a line?

It's an issue of boundaries, says one family therapist. Ironically, neither he nor his partner could discuss the issue because they both have clients who have been in similar positions such as Jane's daughter.

The therapists agree that it's important to listen to children. Parents should be attuned to how their children perceive their relationships with adults.

We certainly don't want to prevent dedicated teachers from spending extra time with or paying attention to a child. But there are red flags to watch for, according to Renata Cirri, executive director of the Rape Crisis Center. If an adult spends all his/her time with children and not any with adults, or is solely involved in children's activities, that's a sign something may be amiss.

"The best approach is for parents to build the trust they need with their kids so a kid can just say 'I feel uncomfortable,' " Cirri says. "Build a relationship with a child so he has no fear of repercussions (if he tells you something is going on)."

She says parents should be very honest with a child on what's permissible touching and what's not.

Jane does not believe the school and church took her as seriously as they should have. As a result, she is sending her daughters to a public school in the fall. She says she was just bringing attention to a situation that was uncomfortable for her daughter, and that in doing so, she may have prevented something worse from happening.

The hardest part, though, is those who insinuated Jane and her family were lying. "It still hurts," she says.

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