Friday, July 12, 2002 | 2:30 a.m.
"Halloween: Resurrection"
One star (out of four)
Rated:R for strong violence, language, some sexuality and brief drug use.
Running time: 90 minutes.
"Halloween: Resurrection" has no reason to exist. Not now - in the middle of summer, more than three months before the holiday - and not ever.
Not even as a straight-to-video slasher flick. If it's a Friday night and this is the last video on the shelf at your local store, please - I'm begging you - find something else to do. Macrame, perhaps, or ballroom dance lessons.
This eighth installment in the horror series, which conspicuously wasn't screened ahead of time for critics, is devoid of wit, style or creativity. Screenwriters Larry Brand and Sean Hood churn out the cliches with such lifeless predictability you can practically hear the cogs grinding. Director Rick Rosenthal also directed 1981's "Halloween II," and has nothing new to offer.
Psycho murderer Michael Myers is back, lumbering along with his blood-soaked butcher knife, still trying to kill his sister, Laurie.
Jamie Lee Curtis, who starred as Laurie in the 1978 original, is back for her fourth "Halloween" - but not for long. Something happens early that suggests this could be her last one, but as you're well aware, no one ever really dies in these movies.
The premise this time, as if it matters: Gonzo TV producer Freddie Harris (rapper Busta Rhymes) picks six college students to spend Halloween night in Michael Myers' childhood home. He straps tiny cameras to their heads and broadcasts what they see live on the Internet - sort of a cross between "The Real World" and "Voyeur Dorm," but without the colorful Ikea furniture.
There's conservative Sara (Bianca Kajlich, who looks like Anne Archer); perky blonde Jen (Katee Sackhoff, who looks like Tori Spelling); and brainy Donna (Daisy McCrackin, who looks like Julianne Moore).
As for the guys, there's Jim (Luke Kirby, who sounds like Christian Slater impersonating Jack Nicholson in "Heathers"); Rudy (Sean Patrick Thomas), who's obsessed with food; and Bill (Thomas Ian Nicholas of the "American Pie" movies), who's obsessed with sex.
Once inside the rickety old house, it doesn't take long for Michael to take them out one by one. Naturally, because they're all so stupid, they go off individually in the dark, which makes it easy on him.
(Just wondering, how did he know they'd be there? Did he log onto the Internet between murders to find out? And how do they not know he's there? In true horror fashion, the house creaks and collapses with every step.)
Freddie's assistant, Nora (Tyra Banks), is supposed to be watching the action on a bank of monitors. But she always seems to be cramming something in her mouth - a cup of coffee, her pen, a glass of red wine - and gets distracted, so she misses the murders. (This proves, though, that the supermodel really does eat, if only during her brief time on screen.)
A cyber-buddy of Sara's is watching the Webcast from a Halloween party and is resourceful enough to send her instant messages on her Palm Pilot to warn her when Michael is nearby. This is a clever little idea, but theoretically, Freddie would have taken all communications devices away from the players to keep them from exactly that kind of interaction.
When the bloodletting is over, "Halloween: Resurrection" has the audacity to skewer reality TV for being exploitative, which has been done repeatedly in recent years - and only slightly better - in movies including "Series 7," "15 Minutes" and "Showtime." Please, as if slasher flicks weren't just as shameless.
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