Friday, Oct. 18, 2002 | 8:58 a.m.
Susan Snyder's column appears Fridays Sundays and Tuesdays. Reach her at [email protected] or (702) 259-4082.
The CowParade hits the Las Vegas Valley this weekend, so we're taking a look at the cow theory of government -- Nevada style.
DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You have Dario Herrera. You vote for the cows.
REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. You have Jon Porter. You vote for the cows.
SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The county takes one and gives it to your neighbor, who is a county commissioner. While the ethics investigation is being conducted, you form a cooperative to tell your neighbor how to manage his cow.
LIBERTARIAN: You have two cows. You let them roam because fences would inhibit their personal freedom. They wander into your neighbor's yard. He shoots them with a rifle for which he has no license, citing the Fourth Amendment.
BUREAU OF LAND MANAGEMENT VARIATION: You have two cows. The BLM seizes your cows and auctions them to the highest bidder. They use the money to buy food for feral horses.
CAPITALIST ALTRUISM: You have two cows. They are killed in a drive-by shooting. You protest random acts of violence by selling "Save the Cows" T-shirts, coffee mugs and bumper stickers. You retire to Scottsdale.
COMPULSIVE GAMBLER: You have two cows. You play Megabucks. You lose. You sell one cow. You play Megabucks. You lose. You sell the other cow. You play Megabucks. You lose. You "borrow" your neighbor's cow and sell it, intending to win back enough money from Megabucks to buy cows for both of you. You lose.
METHAMPHETAMINE VARIATION: Youhavetwocowsandsellthemboth- beforeswearingyoucanquitanytime- youwant.
QUESTION 9 VARIATION: You have two cows. Wow. You never really looked at their hoofs before. Dang, those udders are hilarious! You're suddenly very hungry.
LAW SCHOOL THEORY: You have two cows. You have Erin Kenny. None pass the Nevada bar exam.
SAGEBRUSH REBELLION: You have two cows. Your neighbor upstream grows alfalfa and irrigates from a river you both share. The runoff from his farm taints the water before it gets to you. You defend his right to unrestricted irrigation and farming like his family's done for 150 years. Your cows die from drinking polluted water. You seek compensation from the government.
THE WYNN THEORY: You have two cows. You sell one cow, buy a bull, and build a herd. You blow them up. You buy two more cows.
LAS VEGAS STRIP SENSATION: You have two cows. One of them is blue. You mate it until you have a whole herd of blue cows. You put them in a magic act and become a multimillionaire.
NIMBY (Not In My Back Yard): You have two cows. They are painted on your mailbox. Your neighbor has two pigs. They stink. You call air quality officials, who fine your neighbor thousands of dollars. He eats the pigs and sells his land to a developer who builds 300 ranchettes next to your home. You fight the development and curse the pig farmer for selling. You end up with 1,200 neighbors, each of whom has two cows. They are painted on the mailboxes. No one in your neighborhood eats cows. Their "beef" comes from Smith's.
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