Friday, July 22, 2005 | 8:32 a.m.
Rita Rudner represents a vanishing breed, a woman who enjoys her femininity and has no desire to enter the male world.
She looks feminine. She sounds feminine. She sees the world through feminine eyes. "Men like cars and women like clothes," she deadpans during her popular show, which celebrated its fourth anniversary at New York-New York on April 20. "I like cars because they take me to clothes."
Hers is a genteel performance classy and urbane.
During a recent show, dressed in a snug blue evening gown, she shunned politics, had nothing to say about religion, avoided being raunchy.
You will never mistake Rudner for Joan Rivers, whose live performances could embarrass even foul-mouthed comedian Andrew Dice Clay.
However, just to show us that she isn't totally lost in the Victorian Age, when the sexes were more clearly divided, she utters one or two expletives that are mild by today's standards.
"Nothing comes assembled anymore," she said. "There are so many people out of work in America, can't some of them find work putting (expletive) together?"
Some might find fault with the absence of cutting-edge material in Rudner's act. But the former Broadway dancer has found a niche with a friendly delivery of humorous insights about the world around her.
"Men don't buy shoes, and I don't mean sneakers," she says. "You have one pair of shoes for your whole life, and when they wear out you get them re-soled. What's that about?
"Do you know what women do with our shoes when they wear out? We don't know. That's never happened."
Rudner's show is clearly aimed at middle-aged, middle-class, middle America. During a nonstop, 75-minute monologue she delivers dozens of jokes, most of them middle of the road.
Actually she doesn't tell jokes. She makes observations, about herself ...
"I need glasses, but I don't wear them. I can see shapes, and I use judgment. I came to a stop sign, but it turned out to be a skinny lady with red hair."
"I married a gentleman younger than I am -- in fact he's two years younger than he thinks I am."
About her husband ...
"Women are very insecure. We need to be reassured all the time. The other day I asked my husband if I still have it and he said, 'Oh, yes. In fact you have a little bit more of it.' "
About their relationship ...
"Sometimes my husband just stares at the top of my head and says, 'What's it like in there?' "
About their adopted daughter ...
"It was a natural adoption. I was awake the entire time. The first time we tried we hired a very bad lawyer. We accidentally adopted a highway."
About Las Vegas ...
"It's the first time I ever saw a playground with a stripper pole."
About men ...
"You never hear a man say, 'I feel bloated.' "
About women ...
"You never hear a woman say, 'Hit me in the stomach -- come on, hard as you can.' "
About human nature ...
"We hate getting older. We'll do anything to stop the wrinkles. My aunt had herself laminated."
But mostly about shopping ...
"We love shopping, and you men don't get it. I don't get it why you don't get it -- it's just female hunting. We use a credit card instead of a gun and our targets are already dead."
"Let me explain shopping -- it's a natural high. When we find something we like, that's marijuana. When we find something we like on sale, that's cocaine. When we find a designer dress on sale that we don't really like and doesn't fit us and we'll never wear -- that's crack."
"Don't think I'm shallow because I like to shop. I don't just shop for myself. When the economy is down, I get out there and shop for my country."
If you're shopping for an evening filled with safe, inoffensive humor, Rudner should be at the top of your list.
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