Valentine’s Day heaps expectations on couples

By Camalot Todd, Special to the Sun

Saturday, Feb. 13, 2016 | 2 a.m.

If family therapist Colleen Peterson knows anything about the touch-feely world of relationships and love, it’s that some of the worst fights between couples erupt, of all times, on Valentine’s Day.

The stress to express love in just the right way, and the great expectations held by the partner, can be unbearable, and failure can lead to tears and worse. The only greater sin might be to forget Valentine’s Day altogether (unless by mutual consent of both, which then runs the risk of a surprise gift by one that catches the other flatfooted and feeling embarrassed if not angry).

Indeed, this supposedly most-romantic of days is filled with enough landmines to pop an entire sky filled with heart-shaped balloons.

The key, then: a pre-Valentine’s Day discussion of expectations — and to stick to them. All the better if each has a firm understanding of what the other considers to be romantic. Dinner on the Strip followed by the Bellagio fountains? Sure thing! A new shotgun or vacuum cleaner? Maybe not so much.

“What one person thinks is romantic may not be what the other partner thinks is romantic,” cautions Peterson.

She sees this problem all the time, and offers this example:

The husband bluntly asks his wife what she’d like for Valentine’s Day — probably mistake No. 1 because he should know by now. The wife responds, “Oh, anything, just not flowers. You know I hate flowers.” When Valentine’s Day rolls around, a huge banquet of flowers is delivered to the wife’s workplace for all her coworkers to see. The wife fakes a happy face and accepts the flowers, furious inside that her husband wasn’t paying attention or didn’t care what his wife said.

“Valentine’s Day puts a lot expectations on couples in general,” said Kiera McGillivray, a Las Vegas therapist. “It’s important to remember it’s just another day. Valentine’s doesn’t define a relationship.”

Peterson and others offer this advice for a successful Valentine’s Day experience:

• When your sweetheart offers a suggestion of what she or he would like, repeat it back so it’s clear you understand. Dinner out? Offer three dining experiences for her to chose from, so she won’t be feeling guilty and uncomfortable at the prices — or disappointed by the lack of imagination. (Remember, Valentine’s Day goes both ways and should be a joint celebration, so you both should be part of the conversation.)

• People have a different way of expressing love. Be appreciative for how your partner expresses him or herself — it may be, for that person, a very genuine expression of love, even if it’s now how you would show it. Feeling unappreciated is a real buzz-kill on Valentine’s.

• Maybe there’s no need for material gifts. A quiet dinner at home and genuine, heartfelt conversation about the hopes and dreams of a shared future, and fond memories of the initial courtship, could well be the truest exchange of love. “Listening is romantic,” Peterson says. “People need to get away from the pressure of appearing romantic,” And sure, a card from Hallmark or Shoe Box might be nice, but a personally penned love letter would go a lot further.

If Valentine’s Day goes sour and some mending is in order, remember these simple ground rules, Peterson says: “Be clear about the issue and communicate well. Don’t be disrespectful or put your partner down.”

Then there are those folks who forget Valentine’s Day altogether, and may be reading this story and swallowing hard.

“My ex-husband forgot it was Valentine’s Day, played video games for three hours, and then went to the military base mall,” UNLV student Sarah Maynard, 23, said. “He came back with a $15 dollar Spiderman T-shirt for himself and for me? Discounted green apple marshmallows and a cat toy. We didn’t have a cat. And we weren’t getting one.

“I really wanted a cat,” she said, “but he just got me a cat toy and said no, you’re not getting a cat,” she continued. “Up until that day I had those expectations. Now I don’t understand why anyone has romantic expectations on Valentine’s,” said Maynard.

But that’s changed. Maynard says she has a new beau who is taking her to a fine steakhouse at The District in Henderson and has promised customized cupcakes.

— Camalot Todd is a UNLV journalism student.