“Everybody at Cashman Field needs a haircut”

By Ron Kantowski

Friday, July 11, 2008 | 3:48 a.m.

NOW:

It might have been the most impressive rant since Dennis Miller launched his brief Monday Night Football career by calling Canton, Ohio, the Tigris and Euphrates of professional football.

In the part of the Sun you can hold in your hand I had written about 51s fans who were upset they couldn't find a parking place and sundry other things on Fireworks Night. When I returned from lunch, there was a two-part, eight-minute monologue on my voice mail.

I wish I knew how to turn voice mail into an MP3 or a DMV or a WMD or whatever the latest method is to listen to funny stuff over the Internet, because retelling it here won't do it justice.

But the blog must go on.

The caller said he has be going to 51s games for 15 years and he can't remember the last time somebody smiled when they handed him a program. He said the ushers look like high school kids who have been sent to detention. They look like they are being punished for something, he said.

"Everybody who works at Cashman Field needs a haircut."

Then he went off on the 51s' fluffy, furry and, according to him, aromatic mascot.

"Even Cosmo kind of smells," he said as the rant passed the three-minute mark. "And his pants don't even reach to his shoes. It's like he's growing every year or something. Another couple of inches and you'll be able to see his white socks."

Like Joe Paterno, I guess.

Then the caller asked if anybody had ever seen 51s president Don Logan and Cosmo in the same room.

"My theory is that they are like Peter Parker and Spiderman -- they're the same person."

It went on like that for five more minutes. It was like listening to "Frampton Comes Alive," only without those crazy "wah-wah" sounds from the talk box.

This talk box was attached to a passionate Las Vegas sports fan named Dana Lane, who drives a cab for a living, only because he can't get paid for ducking into the latrine and poring over box scores. He said that's how he spent his time in the Air Force, at least until Major Healy ratted him out.

But he said even if Cashman Field's red-and-yellow seats make the 51s look like the Double-A affiliate of the old Albuquerque Dukes, he'll be back.

With clippers.

And a can of Arrid Extra Dry, for Cosmo.

----- Still no word from Anschutz Entertainment Group headquarters about what, if anything, is happening with the proposed NBA arena behind Bally's. But at least Rob Stillwell of Boyd Gaming Group called to say the vague reference to "Echelon" on the AEG Web site under the Las Vegas arena section was a reference to the gaming group's 87-acre, multi-property destination planned for the Strip near the old Stardust hotel. (AEG will operate two theaters/entertainment venues in conjunction with the project). When I asked Stillwell if he knew what those cryptic paragraph signs on the Web site meant, he said he was just as confused as I was. And that he also was waiting for L.A. to return a phone call.

----- Update: They've taken down the paragraph signs on the AEG Web site. They've been replaced with a press release dated Aug. 22, 2007 about a world class sports and entertainment arena that will be developed on the Las Vegas Strip. It says ground will be broken in "Summer 2008." Not June 2008. Oh, and there's a rendering of what appears to be the top of a world class sports and entertinament arena that has Jon Bon Jovi's picture on it.

----- If Bob Arum doesn't watch out, Dana White of the UFC is going to pass him on the high side as the most colorful quote in Las Vegas when it comes to sports in which the participants beat each other up. Dan Wetzel of Yahoo.com wrote a column in which White calls a rival mixed martial arts promoter a "T-shirt salesman." Then he started cussing like a sailor. But at least he didn't say the guy smelled, his pants were too short or he needed a haircut.

----- KLAS-TV Channel 8 will air a 30-minute special on the UNLV basketball team's trip to Australia called "UNLV Rebels Down Under" at 3 p.m. Saturday. The show will include a behind-the-scenes look at a wired-for-sound coach Lon Kruger, players at the Australian Zoo, a tour of the Sydney Opera House, a trip to Surfer's Paradise on the Gold Coast and a day at the Great Barrier Reef. Plus, you'll get to watch the Rebels playing ball against a bunch of tall guys wearing strange-looking uniforms that make those red, yellow and blue Hot Dog-on-a-Stick jumpers look like Yankee pinstripes.

THEN:

Life Simple Pleasure No. 19: Throwing a mean scroogie with a Wiffle Ball -- and not waking up the next morning with a sore arm.