‘Sucks’ has lost its succulence

Frank Cerabino

Wednesday, Dec. 18, 2013 | 2 a.m.

I believe we had a watershed moment for the English language last week.

Executives at ESPN, the sports TV network, issued a directive to their on-air talent to stop saying the word “sucks” during their broadcasts.

“Recently, there have been numerous incidents in which the word ‘sucks’ has been used on our air,” the directive said. “This word is simply not appropriate for ESPN. What you say and the language you use is important for our audience and sports fans of all ages.”

Hip, hip, hooray.

I, too, have been alarmed at the proliferation of the word. Years ago, you’d never see the word printed in a newspaper or hear it spoken on a newscast. Newsmakers didn’t say the word when reporters were taking notes or cameras were rolling.

But now it has become common.

Here is a small sampling of this year’s printed suck-a-thon:

“Divorce sucks anyway, and Florida shouldn’t make it suck worse,” State Rep. Ritch Workman said when advocating his bill to end permanent alimony in the state.

A syndicated review for the movie “Smurfs 2” claimed that it “sucks Smurfberries.”

The water management of St. Lucie Estuary was criticized at a public meeting with the comment: “Our flood control really sucks right now.”

When the Miami Heat’s LeBron James finished second in the voting for last season’s defensive player of the year, he said, “It sucks. It sucks. It sucks.”

(The rarely attempted triple-suck slammer-jammer.)

After the Obama administration decided to give businesses a one-year delay to comply with a provision of the Obamacare health insurance law, Grover Norquist, the head of Americans for Tax Reform, had this to say:

“This is not the president’s critics saying his plan sucks. This is the president saying, ‘My plan sucks.’ ”

As you can see, there’s a whole lot of suckiness being alleged, be it in the world of politics, sports or entertainment.

I’m no prude. My argument against the word isn’t in its vulgar roots, but in its usurpation of all lesser forms of distaste.

“Suck” has become devalued into near meaninglessness. It’s slowly making the word “stink” ... well ... “exstinked” as it conflates every morsel of negativity into a one-size-fits-all expression of excessive displeasure.

For example, if you get delayed on your drive to work by a long, passing freight train, it might be “irritating,” “annoying” or “disappointing,” but it doesn’t “suck.”

On the other hand, if your car stalls on the tracks as the train approaches, that sucks.

See what I mean?

LeBron James’ outburst wasn’t triggered by a season-ending knee injury or the discovery that the Heat have been paying him with $19 million in counterfeit cash. His triple-suck was over a minor slight for an award, which makes it a personal foul of the English language.

And whatever Grover Norquist thinks of Obamacare, it hasn’t sucked enough to stop nearly 300,000 Floridians from taking the first step to apply for coverage.

The real problem with “suck” is that it has become the antonym of “awesome,” which has similarly replaced all adjectives of approval.

The Grand Canyon is “awesome,” but the Palm Beach County Inspector General’s Office is certainly not “awesome,” as Inspector General Sheryl Steckler contended this year.

“Awesome,” by definition, should refer to things that cause awe, as opposed to a yummy cupcake or what you say when somebody else agrees to run an errand for you.

We have gradually turned into a two-adjective nation, where everything either sucks or is awesome.

So, let’s all applaud ESPN for taking a bold step to force its broadcasters to combat half of that problem.

In the interest of full disclosure, I policed my own recent writing, only to discover that I had written about how something “really blows.”

But in my defense, I was writing about wind turbines.

Frank Cerabino writes for the Palm Beach Post.