You never know when you might need a stapler on Thanksgiving Day

Frank Cerabino

Monday, Nov. 18, 2013 | 2:01 a.m.

News item: Office Depot announced last week that for the first time ever, its stores will be open on Thanksgiving Day.

The move follows a trend in recent years for retailers to get a jump on Black Friday shopping by opening for limited hours on Thanksgiving.

Proposed Office Depot TV Ad No. 1

Name: Turkey Trauma

Set-up: Calamity ensues when Dad pulls the turkey out of the oven to discover that stuffing has erupted from the bird’s cavity. Dad tries to stuff the dressing back inside the bird, but it keeps spilling out.

Mom drains the last of a bottle of pinot grigio and bursts into tears, saying that this sloppy bird is going to ruin the planned family photo she was hoping to use for a family Christmas card.

“Why can’t we ever have a Norman Rockwell moment in this family?” she laments between hiccups.

Sister saves the day with her suggestion.

“All is not ruined,” she says. “Office Depot is opening tonight. If we can delay dinner a little, maybe we can staple the bird!”

Dad brightens up.

“It just might work, Sis,” he says. “And at $35.99, the Stanley Bostitch B8 PowerCrown Xtreme Duty Plier Stapler is just the sort of reasonably priced office tool that can seal up that turkey cavity in no time at all.”

Mom wipes away her tears and smiles. She reaches into the refrigerator for a fresh bottle of pinot grigio.

“That’s the one with the anti-jam stapling channel and powerful lever, right?” she asks.

“Yes, siree,” Dad says, “and with a box of 3/8 inch PowerCrown staples, it’ll be a snap.”

He grabs his car keys. As he starts to head out the door, Brother raises his head from his video game.

“And to be safe, you might want to also pick up a 12-pack of those Elmer’s All-Purpose Glue Sticks,” he says.

“Good idea, Brother. At only $7.99 a pack, it would be a shame to pass them up.”

Announcer voice-over: Office Depot, because some things can’t wait for after Thanksgiving.

Proposed Office Depot TV Ad No. 2

Name: Thanksgiving Game Night

Set-up: The family, relaxing after a big Thanksgiving meal, is playing Pictionary at the table when they realize they are nearly out of paper, and their four pencils are dull or broken.

“This is no use,” Brother says, throwing down his pencil nub. “It’s too hard to draw.”

Mom accidentally knocks over her glass, spilling her pinot grigio on the remaining stack of drawing paper.

“Nothing to draw with, and now no paper,” Sister wails. “Thanksgiving game night is ruined.”

“Not so fast,” Dad says. “Office Depot is open on Thanksgiving.”

“Yeah, we could get a 12-pack of BICMatic Grip Mechanical Pencils for only $7.29,” Brother chimes. “The self-feeding lead provides the equivalent write-out of 2 1/2 traditional wooden pencils.”

“And maybe we could all have our own Pacon Art Street Sketch Books,” Sister says.

“The compact size is great for on-the-go sketching,” Dad says. “But hey, this is Thanksgiving, let’s think big. Maybe we should just get our own dry erase board for Pictionary!”

“Are you freakin’ nuts?” Mom says, heading to the refrigerator for another bottle of pinot grigio. “Where we gonna get the money for that?”

“But, mom,” Brother says, “at Office Depot, a 2-foot-by-3-foot Quartet DryErase Board with Aluminum Frame is only $29.99.”

“And a four-pack of bullet point EXPO Low-Odor Dry-Erase Markers in assorted colors is just $5.99,” Sister says.

“Sounds like a plan,” Dad said. “All in favor, raise your hands.”

The two kids raise their hands and look at Mom, who starts to smile and raise her hand. On the way up, her hand accidentally knocks over the nearly full bottle of pinot grigio, which shatters on the tile floor.

Dad chuckles.

“And it looks like while I’m at Office Depot, I’m gonna get that Swiffer Wet Jet power mop I’ve had my eyes on,” he says.

Announcer voice-over: Office Depot. Let our family celebrate Thanksgiving with your family.

Frank Cerabino writes for The Palm Beach Post in Florida.