Using preferred pronouns is a sign of respect

Applicants vying for a job in Vice President Kamala Harris’ presidential campaign have the option of selecting from nine different combinations of preferred pronouns.

There’s the usual he/him, she/her and even they/them/theirs. But some options are much more obscure — most I’ve never even heard of, such as fae/faer and hu/hu (which is derived from the word human).

Before you groan and complain about how pronouns are an example of woke run amok, stop for a moment and think about how self-affirming it can be for people for whom the usual he/him, she/her or even they/them don’t cut it.

I personally don’t mind referring to an individual by “they” if that’s what’s preferred. You shouldn’t, either. It doesn’t cost anything to show each other the kind of respect we all deserve.

And that’s what’s at the heart of any request for preferred pronouns: respect. Celebrities such as singer Sam Smith, who came out as nonbinary in 2019, don’t consider themselves as either sex. “Since changing my pronouns, it felt like a coming home,” Smith told People magazine.

That’s why I’m glad Sheryl Lee Ralph, a costar on ABC’s Abbott Elementary, has spoken out about the importance of using a person’s preferred pronouns. In a viral video posted on the Black Media Instagram account, she said, “Some of the things you used to do and say when you were young, they’re not going to work right now, OK?”

I’m in the over-40 crowd Ralph addresses in the video, and this is new for me and a lot of us.

I had no idea about any of this until my nephew lived with my husband and me prepandemic while finishing up his undergraduate degree at Drexel University. I remember sitting at our dining room table and listening as he talked about a schoolmate who used the pronouns “they/them.” I cocked an eyebrow, but my nephew, who graduated in 2017, was completely nonjudgmental and matter-of-fact about having to be mindful about his language when addressing this person.

Observing him, I decided then and there that I would follow his lead and evolve along with the English language.

It all comes down to how you want to walk through life. As I pointed out to a female relative recently, it’s similar to how we as Black people went from being called “Negro” and “colored” to preferring the term “African American.” As we advanced as a people, we demanded that the country adjust, and it eventually did. My relative has had to adjust, as well. (Her adult children remind her when she slips.)

We all do. It’s just going to take some time.

Conservative critics recently have lampooned Harris for announcing during a public appearance back in 2022 that her pronouns are she/her, but also that she is a woman and wearing a blue suit. What they didn’t take into account is that she made those comments at a meeting marking the 32nd anniversary of the Americans with Disabilities Act. Her describing how she was dressed was an attempt at being inclusive, in case some attendees had visual impairments.

Lydia X. Z. Brown, who is nonbinary and was also at that meeting, told the 19th News, “It is disappointing and upsetting that the vice president’s attempt to be more inclusive and accessible has been met with such vitriol and hostility.”

Meanwhile, according to the Pew Research Center, only 1.6% of adults consider themselves transgender or nonbinary, but roughly 5.1% of young adults under 30 are trans or nonbinary.

Conservatives may disparage Harris’ efforts at being inclusive, but at the Democratic National Convention in Chicago last month, I saw bathrooms for men and women as well as those for people who preferred gender-neutral spaces. I also saw curtained-off areas where people could go and pray — similarly sectioned off but available for those who wanted and needed them. Attendees were from all kinds of sexual and ethnic backgrounds.

In other words, they looked like America.

Jenice Armstrong is a columnist for The Philadelphia Inquirer.